~ panic attacks and spring blossoms ~
It’s been such a mild winter here in the Pacific Northwest. Yet today I could hardly believe
my eyes when I saw these blossoms! And I was quite delighted to spot this heart shaped piece
of chewing gum on the ground. A sign perhaps? I could sure use itin that particular moment.
iPhone. January 31, 2010.
Today I almost had a panic attack at the local Food Co-op. I mean this quite literally. When I came home from work this afternoon, I was feeling sooo tired. Not much sleep last night and up again at 5 a.m. contributed to this state, but it was also my overall exhaustion that peaked today. All I really wanted was to lie down and have a nap. But it was only 4 p.m. and the weather was quite nice and my “wanting to get fitter” self convinced me to go for a walk to the grocery store instead. And the only reason I succumbed to that voice was that I actually fancied some fresh air. The store is only 10-15 minutes away but I could sense that my body was resisting me big way. Heart palpitations almost made me turn around but I managed to stop them again and continued. By the time I reached the store I was shallow breathing and feeling dizzy. I barely got my shopping done and made it through the register. I remembered my first ever panic attack at the age of 17 when I was on a school trip in Vienna, it happened at a grocery store check-out and it literally took my breath away and gave me a fever the same night. It was the beginning of my most difficult year as a young adult. Thinking about all this did not help when I was standing in the Food Co-op check-out line wondering whether I was going to faint or start hyperventilating. In the end neither happened and I left the store and it took all my effort to walk back home. That’s when I took these photos, I had to keep stopping and take a deep breath. All along muttering to myself: “You are so pathetic. Get a grip. This is ridiculous. Pull yourself together. Take a deep breath. Oh, look at those blossoms. Wow. Oh, and there is a heart on the ground. Don’t faint over it now. You are almost home. You are almost safe.”
I am sharing this on here because I have already gone so far on this journey and all this is a part of it. Not the pretty part. It’s ugly and disturbing. And it is also part of another truth: the one about my body, and my weight, and my general state of physical well-being, or rather the lack thereof. Even though I am sticking to my “no alcohol” resolution (and believe me, it’s being tested thoroughly) I am still comfort eating like there is no tomorrow. I kind of expected this, if you have an addictive nature and give one thing up you are likely to replace it with something else. It is not a far stretch for me from wine to ice cream. But this whole food-comfort-weight cycle is such a huge can of worms for me that I just don’t want to touch it. Yet I know that if I am to continue on this journey, and get through it, I have to confront this part of my life, too. So that’s where I am at. I am standing in front of this door and staring at it while all I feel is tremendous shame and paralyzing fear. And that’s all I am going to say about this right now. I don’t feel ready for this part just yet.
On a brighter note I talked to my boss today and it went very well. We agreed that I can take time off “in lieu” as and when appropriate during more quiet times. It was good to see that after one year she trusts my judgment to know when is a good time for this, and when not. I felt a lot better after our chat and am glad to have tackled this issue in a productive and suitable manner.
I am quite aware that the direction of my blog has been kind of heavy for a while now. And I want to express my gratitude to my readers, who are not only gentle with me but also offer their support through sharing their own experiences with immensely thoughtful comments and emails. I want to thank you for this. And my husband, too, who despite the distance always manages to calm me and to make me feel safe again. Please know this, too: what you see here on my blog is only one part of who I am. Even though I am very candid and expose quite vulnerable fragments of myself, there are also many brighter pieces to my life and personality. Despite the heaviness of what I share on here, and the tragedies that happen all over the place, every single day, I am at my core a positive person who believes in the good of people and this world. And it is this trust that keeps me going and wanting to become a better and more authentic human being.
This is a wonderful post. I have a few things that I must do today before I can give this post of yours the response it deverves but wanted to at least let you know that I had read it. Kerstin, you re moving ahead at the speed of light. If the speed is discombobulating then, just take it that you are moving ahead. And thank goodness you those around you are as supportive and claming as you mention. Nothing more than you deserve.
No doubt in my mind, that you are a positive, energetic and alive person as well. None of what I see in your blog changes that view in my mind, as well as seeing clearly the authenticity that you strive for.
Kerstin, maybe one of the reasons it doesn’t seem as though your blog has become heavy, is because you are exploring and your (inner) life is an adventure that you so bravely share with us. Take dear care and congratulations on negotiating some time off. Sorry to hear of the panic attack, those can be really tricky.
Kerstin, good for you to see the beauty and try to center yourself. I hope you were able to calm your heart and breathing! I think lack of sleep was a huge culprit (it sets off the ‘fight or flight response’ in our bodies and can actually play into binge eating… but that is another discussion). As well, I find it almost impossible to think clearly, handle stress, put things into perspective or balance myself with sleep deprivation. Sounds like you need to sleep for 10 or 12 or 14 hours and try to catch up… even if it means going to bed at 4:00. And it is okay to go to bed at 4:00 in the afternoon!! Why is it we feel guilty if we sleep too long? Like we are ’supposed’ to be accomplishing other things? But what is more important than listening to your body tell you it is tired and accomplishing some healing zzzzz’s?
Again, I applaud you for having the courage to share the darker bits. It helps to know that others are going through so many similar rough patches. And yes, your bright light still shines through!!
I cannot believe it that you already saw blossoms! We had heavy snow storms again today and so I had to cancel my swim training as I did not want to drive the long distance late at night. It seems that the winter wants to stay this year for a while.
I am glad to read that you and your boss found a way and that she understood.
Regarding your panic attack – I do not know this situation and I hope for you that it will not happen very often. But I am glad to read that you managed the situation and walked the whole distance. You will make it again – I am sure!
Take care and enjoy the good weather over there.
Kerstin,
This had to be very frightening for you. My father has panic attacks, too. I sit with him and hold his hand and talk to him about the Yankees and his birds till it passes. Of course, this is not practical for you, but I know how debilitating those moments can be.
I find your blog a lot of things, but heavy is not one of them. I can see how it must seem that way to you, but I find your efforts to live a better life brave and encouraging. So many of us try but flounder occasionally, and it’s good to hear how someone else is fighting the good fight.
I struggle with the food issue, too. I do. It’s difficult and never ending because we must eat to survive. It’s not about conquering but more about coping and managing I suppose.
I also struggle with insomnia. Oh my goodness, I would like for that bugaboo to go away. I’m so glad your boss is going to let you take time off when possible. I wish you a good night’s sleep… and myself too.
Bella
A fellow panic-attack sufferer here, very impressed with you getting through this “almost” one, but wanting to say that you should be kind to yourself when this is happening. You are NOT pathetic, and yes, I know it feels that way, I have called myself many names, but it is wrong. I vow right here & now to stop.
My panic attacks are very severe & I’ve had them since I was a small child – I take meds daily and can still have one sneak up. It’s just the way it is, a biological, chemical thing but as you know, easily set off by emotional stuff, physical stuff, etc. etc. Take care! Wonderful honest post – I will be back. 
I love the heart at your feet and how you put yours at ours, trusting that we won’t trample it.