~ moving from fear towards love ~
Sweet loving surrender. iPhone. February 5, 2010.
Turns out it is not so easy for me to write about love all the time. Turns out that I am more comfortable talking about the dark corners of my soul than the bright spaces where things like love live. Thoughts become things. But that is not what this is about. By joining in with the love theme for February I am not trying to think love so that it becomes a reality. Love already is a reality. The fact is that this is a challenging time of resistance, shedding and growth in my life. This whole business of awakening myself, well, it’s awkward and clumsy, and risky and exhausting. And lonely. And then I read this today (from Zen Retreats):
How can we move from fear towards love?
“The key to such a transformation is intimacy. We move from fear towards love
when we start to connect with ourselves and others.”
And really, whatever it is that I am going through a lot of it comes down to this. Connecting with others. Having friends. A community. Being with my husband. I love where I live and treasure the proximity to my friends in Vancouver. But I am lonely in my little town by the sea. I know that there are more things I could do: join a club or church community, attend evening classes, become more active in the local business community. But half the time I am too exhausted from work, and the other half I am just not feeling the flow. I have always made friends easily but at my age people are well established in their own circles of family, friends and routines, and less inclined to open these up to outsiders. I understand that. And with that realization I am ready to release the pressure I’ve been putting myself under with regards to “not doing enough” to make new friends. I am letting go. And instead I am going to simply focus on the friends and family I already have. They may not live down the road right now, but that doesn’t make them any less deserving of my attention. I am blessed with some pretty special people in my life: friends who would not think twice to get on a plane and come over here if I needed them, and a family who I have come to appreciate with a deeper love as I grow older, and of course a husband who is sharing this path with me and even though we have chosen to live on opposite coasts for an extended period of time our love transcends those physical boundaries each and every day.
Eventually there will be movement again, towards each other, and a widening of the circle and an overlapping of intersections. And even though the intermittent moments of loneliness can be crushing, the acknowledgment that they are a part of the journey is a tremendous relief. And with that comes a clarity of what I need to do next. It will all unfold on here and yes, moving from fear towards love is very much what it’s all about.
An excellent quote I think and so true Kerstin. Embracing intimacy means opening ourselves up in so many ways, it’s a huge leap, but the rewards are endless.
This was a very good post about love …
Well friends is a serious topic. If I think about my friends I realise very fast that most of them live around the world and not in my neighbourhood. It is not easy to be honest, but on the second hand I know it is the only way I can handle it as I have not a lot of freetime and I would disappoint a lot of friends who could live close to me. For me it is much easier to stay in contact with people living far away. This is strange and I think quite often about it. I came to the conclusion that I always lived alone and not beeing used to have someone around me. Having someone close by would give me the feeling to be behind bars. Ok, maybe not that intensive, but close by. I guess you know what I mean.
Having friends around the world is a wonderful feeling – you know that you have several places on this continent that belongs to you. And this is a great feeling!