~ too tired to sleep ~

San Juan Islands. Taken on January 10, 2010.

Do you know this? When you are so tired you are actually too tired to go to sleep? That’s me tonight. Although it’s not just that. This is also one of those nights where I am holding on to precious personal time. This is usually a slow month at work but it’s not been that for me. Yet another unplanned 24-hour shift followed by more hours the next day pushed me close to having spent nearly 70 hours at my workplace last week. After 60 hours the week before. Some of that is sleep-time but to me that doesn’t make any difference, it still is time that I am spending at work, and in a bed at my job, instead of at home. When I got home this afternoon, I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I just vegged out in front of the TV for the rest of the evening. And it is only now, at nearly 1:30 am, that I am finally ready to catch up with myself, even though I am super tired.

What happened these last two weeks is not always the norm, and helping out the way I did was absolutely the right thing to do for my colleagues and for the business. That knowledge does make me feel better about it, and I just hope that things will return to normal now, at least for a while. What all this is teaching me is the importance of getting enough sleep (ha!) and taking my need for energy more seriously.

Speaking of energy. At the beginning of the year I stopped drinking, that was my only other resolution in addition to getting more relaxed about the job: no alcohol for one year. This may sound drastic to some, but for me it is about so much more than simply giving up wine for an extended period of time. Wine had become my comfort and my crutch over the last decade. It’s how I relax and how I love to socialize. I also use it as a way of numbing out and keeping life comfortable, and remaining asleep to myself. It’s one of the thicker layers embracing the essence beneath and it is time to start peeling it away. I decided to abstain because that’s easier for me than moderating my intake. And isn’t it interesting how both resolutions were tested right away, because normally the stress at work would have sent me straight to a few glasses of wine. But you know what? Abstaining has not been that difficult actually, at least not so far. And what I am noticing instead is that I have just a tiny bit more energy, I sleep better, I feel more focused. These are good motivators for me to keep going.

2010 got off to a rough start. On a world scale with an earthquake. On a personal scale with sad news about a friend, not just for me but also one of my staff. On the comparatively tiny scale of work/life balance, well, enough said about that one. Nonetheless. When this new year started I actually had a good feeling about it. And I still do. I don’t know why. I just do. And I did say that I wanted to push through some barriers and see what’s on the other side. I guess that’s exactly what I am doing. And that’s why I must continue and have faith in the path.

2 am. With all this off my chest (thanks for listening!) I bid you a good night. And just in case you are wondering I have tomorrow off!