~ making a list ~
Spending a lovely afternoon at Granville Market with a good friend. Nikon D80 on January 24, 2010.
One of the major issues I have with doing my therapy and self development is the guilt I feel over not having any “real” problems. “How do you qualify that“, my therapist asked? “Well, compared to others …” I replied, ready to launch into the all too familiar self limiting gremlin talk. He stopped me there and then. Because whenever I make statements like that they are not about failure to recognize and appreciate suffering in others, they are all about self validation and not deeming myself worthy of the attention and effort. Because deep down I don’t. Deep down I hear the long buried voices of my doctor who told me to pull myself together when I told him about my panic attacks, or my grandparents who rarely shied away from expressing their disapproval of my gipsy-like lifestyle and lack of a “proper” career. I soon added enough voices of my own, and even though they did not prevent me from walking my life to my own drum, they nonetheless provide a consistent nagging undercurrent that keeps making me feel guilty and inadequate.
This morning, after a restless night with not enough sleep, I woke up with the familiar sense of having wasted away the last two days which I had off. I felt guilty for not having done anything, for not progressing with my big projects, yada yada ya … I was still off today and seeing my counselor in the afternoon. One of the benefits that I am definitely seeing with my therapy is that it makes me accountable for the work I am doing. So in view of the crappy start to my day I decided to make a list for him, and for me really, with the following questions:
1) What did I do this last week that deserves recognition?
2) What did I feel guilty about?
3) What felt good this week?
4) What do I not feel in control over?
5) What routine tasks require a lot of effort?
6) What are my BIG projects?
This turned into a very interesting exercise. There were actually quite a few items in the first column and I put everything in that felt like an effort to me, regardless of whether it was a stupid little task (like applying teeth whitening strips) or something more worthy (like staying on at work and getting important things done despite feeling very upset over my deceased friend and wanting to go home). I was amazed at just how much pressure I put on myself over a long list of unaccomplished or half finished projects. Putting it all in writing in list format was incredibly helpful. Once I was done I still had a couple of hours left and rather than continue my doodling around the internet, I decided to pick an item from list 2) that fell under category 5) and to DO IT. Two hours later my apartment was vacuumed and dusted, the bathrooms were clean, fresh sheets were on my bed and I had finished two loads of laundry. And it felt good. And that’s what I plan to remember next time I feel overwhelmed by my life with no “real” problems: rather than dismiss an activity such as cleaning my home as being just a mundane task that should not require so much effort and therefore I should not make such a big deal out of it, I will think of it as a worthy activity that makes me feel GOOD once I have DONE it.
My counselor loved the idea of the list and I am going to start incorporating it into my weekly preparation for my sessions with him. And you know what? It’s nothing new or revolutionary, but I am feeling good for having found a way of calming down the gremlins while lifting the pressure a little and being more present and engaged with myself.
P.S. I also changed the look of my blog a little with fresher brighter colors and a new banner, hope you like it!
P.P.S. Oh, and I re-designed my real estate photography website as I want to give that business a kick start very soon, if you are interested you can check it out here.
I also believe in using lists as a great kick-starter! I don’t have much structure to my life at the moment apart from around the life of my son, so the lists keep me going and remind me of all the things that I need to do instead of just sitting at the laptop and surfing… Mind you, I think I deserve some of that as well – but there’s always moderation!
With a list at least I know what I’ve done in a particular week for us as a family and don’t feel like I’m just wasting time while the little man is in pre-school. It definitely helps me keep focused and thus procrastination at bay and as you say it puts everything into perspective.
P.S. Your new blog banner is great, with two of my favourite photos of yours (the two at the left).
Kerstin, what a wonderful post, and I love the list idea.
I’ve been reading your words for a while and have wanted to comment many times – there are many aspects of your journey that resonate with me. Particularly this idea of feeling guilty for going to a counsellor when I don’t have any “real problems”…like you I have scars from an earlier life of being told (often by people I trusted) to pull myself together and that my problems were trivial and exaggerated to get attention. Even though these things haven’t held me back (not anymore anyway) it’s hard not to listen to the “nagging undercurrent” sometimes. It’s something I’m working on
Thank you for continuing to share yourself in this way, it gives me a lot of comfort and inspiration.
And your photos are always stunning!
Love the list, the banner, the new look, and all of your soulful ramblings. My sister lives on Granville Island… how nice a coincidence is that?
Yes, those little voices. Why oh why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we believe that we don\’t deserve down time? A friend in college gave me a card \’Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time\’. Yes! Right on! But why do I keep forgetting that message? Kirsten, you are not alone in all of your thoughts and self doubts and guilt and nagging to-do lists. I pray that we will gain the wisdom to balance them with down, \’me\’ time.
I agrew with Beverly. I hear myself limiting ME more than ony one else. What a foolish waste, but yet not foolish. I know it came be overcome, because I myself have have overcome it in the past and then fallen back into the paralysis of fear, a bit buffeted by life. I think the mantra “one day at a time” works here well.
Like the new web site treatment Kerstin, which feels lighter and more “bright”. nd looking forward to hearing abiut your photography business relaunch, when you feel you want to do that.
I, along with many of my women friends deal with these issues all the time…the feeling of never quite measuring up to our own (and others) ideas of what we should be, of being guilty for caring about our own needs and lives. Those of us in our mid 40\’s to mid 50\’s are products of the \”Greatest Generation,\” people who survived the Great Depresion and the Great War, and I think some of that mindset was passed down from them. Certainly survival was key in those times, and there was little time or effort for what they saw as self-indulgence and what we tend to think of as self-actualization.
I wonder – do younger women (20\’s-30\’s) have the same issues? And do men of any age?
Kerstin, your posts are so thought provoking…I\’m always enlightened and inspired when I visit here. And your beautiful photographs have a calming effect on my spirit
Something I already wanted to mention, but never did: I am deeply impressed about the way you try to think about your life. Kind of neutral and objective. Your list of questions is quite interesting and I am sure it is very interesting to do it on a regularly basis. Are you still doing it?
Of coures I recognized the change of the banner
and I do love the collage of the market above. Well done and hope to be there again very soon with you.