~ exit ~

Last night I did something that perhaps I shouldn’t have. I added up all the hours that I spent at my job this last month, including the overnights when I usually do get to sleep.  Over the course of four weeks I added up almost 240 hours! You do the math: my regular work week is 40 hours x 4 = 160. So during one month I have basically given an extra two weeks worth of hours to my job. And I don’t care that some of that is sleep-time; the way I see it, this is still time that I spent at my workplace, time that I am giving to my employer rather than to my personal life. No wonder I’ve been feeling so tired and out of sorts.

My employers are generally very good to me. They acknowledge and appreciate my hard work and its high quality. For a small business they are generous with our salaries and bonuses. But they do expect everyone of us to go the extra mile. Because that’s their own work ethic. And being the only salaried employee it is a given that my work week regularly exceeds 40 hours, which is perceived as perfectly acceptable. But this month the extra mile has turned into nearly 80 extra hours and even though this has been an unusual month in some respects I remember other times last year where I had a similar workload, I just never added it up.

My reaction to this calculation is interesting. I should be outraged but I am not. A part of me even feels guilty for wanting to claim some of my time back, for instance by announcing today that I am taking tomorrow off, what’s up with that?! But more than anything I feel defeated. Over recent months I have tried putting up some boundaries around my private time, only for them to be torn down over and over again. I am not a naturally assertive person when it comes to my own needs so this is very exhausting for me. And like so often before, when my balance is seriously off kilter, my instinctive reaction is one thing:

I start looking for the exit.

This can take form in various ways … looking for another job, wanting to move, shutting myself off and disengaging, dreaming up the Big Escape. A part of me gets quite excited thinking about all the possibilities. However. As I was mulling all this over during my (almost) daily morning writing exercise a surprising resistance made itself heard. It kept whispering: “Please stay. Don’t look for the exit but find your way through this.” And at this point I will share a very personal truth with you: I wish I had listened to this voice before my move away from my husband. In the summer of 2008, after three difficult years and soon after our Decision, things were beginning to shift. Ever so subtly, but I was really settling into my job at the college, and just a few months before the big move my real estate photography business suddenly started taking off and I had my first photo exhibition. Had I know then what I am beginning to see now (with the help of my counselor) I would have wanted to stay and given things one more chance. I am not one to have regrets because we cannot change the past, but I have to admit that I mourn this missed opportunity. Of course my husband may have perceived this differently and at the time we truly believed that this was the best way forward for all of us. Also, one could argue that it took my relocation here to learn the things I am learning, and I will not disagree with that, either.

Running for the exit is not what I am supposed to do, I feel this very strongly. Whatever momentary notion of relief the thought of the exit gives me, I know now that it’s never just an exit with a sun-soaked meadow on the other side, but merely a door to another reality with similar challenges. But even stronger than this realization is my desire to honor my regret over a missed opportunity to work things out back east. Just for that I need to stay and see this through.

So tomorrow I am going to have a talk with my boss. Her reaction may not be aligned with my desired outcome, but I know that I have to stand up for myself here and draw a line that she can also respect. The only reason why this is hard for me is that I dislike conflict and confrontation with a passion. Nothing makes me feel more uncomfortable and stressed. Alas, just like I am very protective of my staff’s personal time, I have to do the same for myself.