~ cracking open the layers ~

Tonight I was greeted by the most beautiful rainbow. Taken on November 7, 2009.

The layers are beginning to crack. These last couple of days have been exhausting. A fall-out with one friend, letting go of another. And lots of tears in between, over everything and nothing, washing out the debris of the breaking shells.

I wasn’t sure whether I should even write about this here, it’ so personal, but I am slowly moving past the point where I worry about this. Because it’s too late anyway. I am out there. Anyone who wants to, can find me with just a few keystrokes. Even if I deleted everything right now, my posts are still held in the firm grip of Google’s cache. So I am just going to take a deep breath and go with it. And I do want to continue sharing my journey on here because there may be others out there facing similar challenges who can draw comfort and insights from this.

More than five weeks ago I decided to start seeing a counselor to help me deal with my anxieties and fears. Now, I am fairly in tune with myself and do enough navel gazing to have a good idea of the causes of some of the issues, as well as the patterns that I have developed over the last few decades. Like so many women of my generation I have dabbled in popular psychology and I have grown quite a substantial self help section in my bookcase. But what I am learning during my current therapy is blowing my mind. It’s pushing me into uncomfortable and scary places, and it’s making me see things with a clarity that I have not experienced in a long time.

Have you ever heard of Enneagram Types? I am sure some of you have, but I was introduced to the nine Enneagram personalities for the first time a few weeks ago. You know how it goes: the therapist gives you a test and it will reveal things about you. I admit that I was feeling a little cynical about the exercise, not expecting to learn anything new, nor to find a good match for my complex inner life. So I was quite surprised when I immediately identified with Type 9, closely followed by 6 and 7. And suddenly the pieces are falling into place. Perhaps it is because I am older now, but I am finally understanding things about myself that I have glimpsed before, but never with such clearness and definition. The more I learn about my enneagram type/s, the more I am blown away by how accurately they describe all my quirks, worries, weaknesses and strengths. I am amazed that there is a system that does this so precisely and completely.

I am a number Nine through and through. The peacemaker. The mediator. The facilitator. Who wants harmony and shies away from conflict and tension. Who embraces other for who they are, who is understanding and accepting, and always willing to ‘live and let live.’ Nines are very empathetic and yearn for connections with people and the universe. The trouble with ‘unhealthy’ Nines is that they get so absorbed by their environment and other people that they are prone to losing themselves. They tend to validate their own identity through external experiences rather than from within. This has all sorts of implications.

Looking back at my life I can totally see myself in these descriptions. It’s how I ended up in a service and people focused industry. It’s how I am attracted to strong men and end up living their lives and losing my own identity in the process. It’s how I always have such a hard time making decisions, and how I like going with the flow. It’s how I am like a sponge who absorbs everything around her, it’s how I do not expose myself to too much pain and suffering (via the news for instance) because it literally crushes me. It’s how I procrastinate and how I numb myself with food and wine. It’s how I lose myself, again and again.

Of course there have been times in my life when I have been present and connected to myself. And I remember exactly how I felt then: whole. That’s for instance where I was when I met my husband but it happened again when we moved to New England, the more I got absorbed into his life the more I lost myself. This would not have happened to a person with a stronger sense of self. Or even a ‘healthy’ Nine. One of the good things about my type is that it is adaptable and enjoys different experiences. But in my case I am an unbalanced Nine striving for balance, but not really knowing how to get there.

And that’s where I am at now. These last two days I’ve been mourning my forgotten self. And I tried to reach out to her and say that not all is lost. I have been here before but never with such clarity of what I need to do. I have also been feeling angry. And fed up with always trying to be so understanding and accommodating of others because frankly, right now, this is sucking the life out of me. And tonight I reached out. I asked for love and support. Clumsily and cloaked in ill temper and frustration. But tonight the universe remained silent and I felt utterly alone. Or so I thought. Because amidst the desperation that was flooding out of me I stopped. I am on my own in this. This is my battle and my path. No-one else can walk it for me. And so I dried my tears and took a deep breath. I don’t know where this journey will ultimately take me. I am afraid of what and who I may lose along the way. But I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. For myself and those I love.