fresh start

I heart autumn. Taken on October 24, 2008.

When I was in the throes of online dating all those years ago one of the things I loved most was the act of rewriting my profile. There was something therapeutic about redefining myself on a regular basis within the context of whatever was going on in my life. Furthermore, it allowed me to take a step back and take stock, something I often forget to do when I am busy traveling this road called my life!

Blogging has had a similar effect on me, although it goes a lot deeper than a mere dating profile ever will. My blog is my conscience and more often than not my emotional dumping ground. However, with increasing exposure, especially to people who only know me on the periphery of my real life, have I become more hesitant and cautious in my writing, particularly where the privacy of loved ones is at stake.

When I created gipsylife more than three years ago did I not know where it would take me. It became my companion alongside a difficult transition, my free therapist even! However, blogging has not changed my life as radically as it has done for so many other bloggers and that was never my intention, either. But like so many others in recent days have I also reached a point where I ask myself: where do I go from here? What do my blog and this community mean to me, three years later? Perhaps this is a natural point to arrive at given the evolution of this online world and our own personal stories.

I am still not sure what the answers are for me personally. Nonetheless, since my move to the Pacific Northwest have I been feeling a shift in my perception and outlook. I loved the gipsylife URL as it beautifully encompassed my journey, but I feel myself reaching a point where I simply want to be. ME. Not just a gipsy. Or a traveler. Simply. Me. Kerstin Martin. After all these years of wandering I want to stay. Allow my roots to reach deep into the ground and grow a tree that is strong and bursting with fruit so that I may have something to give to others. I think that is one of the most crucial elements for me; I needed to get to a place where I can reconnect with myself and my karma, where I can fill my inner well, so that I am able to give, rather than just take.

This shift is happening on so many levels and it’s not been an easy one. For instance, living so far from my husband is hard. Not just the missing part but also the acknowledgment that, ultimately, our relationship was not what we needed it to be to make things work in New England. This is something I am still coming to terms with, and slowly I am because I am starting see a much deeper truth behind our decision. You see, when I met Tom I had climbed, and conquered, a steep mountain from a valley of failed relationships, self doubts and emotional baggage. I had to go find myself and learn to love the person I was before I could offer any real love to a life partner. That’s what happened when I got to the top of the mountain. Only to surrender myself again. To a man who I loved and to his life and his obligations. And if Tom wasn’t the amazing man that he is then I probably would still be in New England, living his life, trying to make the best out of a situation that was not working for us. But Tom loves me. And he could not bear the sight of me wilting away for the sake of his commitments. So rather than lose me and our marriage he kept suggesting that I move ahead to the Pacific Northwest and he did everything he could to make it possible. But more than this am I beginning to understand that I am being handed a wonderful and precious opportunity here. To be the driver in my own life again. Not wait and see where others take me, but get behind the wheel and chose my own destination. Of course, I have been the driver before, but if I look back at my life I know that I have mostly been happy to jump on the trains that crossed my path, curious to see where they might take me and rarely worried about the destination. That’s the gipsy in me. But when have I felt happiest? When I was closest to myself and took control of my own destiny, to the extend that we can control it. Yet, the few times that I have done this have I always let go of it again. But this time it feels different. Perhaps because I am more conscious of it, perhaps because this time I want it to last. I want it to become a part of me, and not just my journey. Does this make sense? Changing my URL to my real identity is a reflection of this process. And this blog is where I want to continue sharing my journey to a more authentic life and I hope you will continue to come along with me!

Side note: Since I am coding this new blog myself (with the help of templates) there might be a glitch here and there, please let me know if you come across any! I know that this is an Internet Explorer world but my blog (and so many other sites) really is best viewed in Firefox, or Safari for Mac users. Seriously, Firefox is so much better on so many levels. And only in those two browsers can you enjoy those lovely rounded corners that I adore so much!

Also, if you have my blog bookmarked please be sure to change the URL!