the decision
As long as there are lattes … Taken in Fairhaven, WA, on November 15, 2007.
I have spent the last 24 hours trying to write a post about the decision. Trying to justify it. Trying to put into words how we arrived at it and how we feel about it. Trying to explain the dynamics of our situation and wanting everyone out there to understand. Some of you have probably caught the only version that I published before deleting it again a few hours later because someone had left three offensive comments (which always get deleted if they are anonymous) and I suddenly felt too vulnerable and exposed.
In addition to writing numerous drafts I also shared emails with other bloggers as well as friends, and spent quite a few hours on the phone to my mother and friends in Canada.
What I am finally realizing is that I cannot package up the decision in a neat and tidy parcel and hand it to you. Or anyone. The decision making process has been way too complex and there are so many angles and facets that it is impossible to address them all in a single post. Yet without them you only ever get a small slice of the complete picture and somehow that seems unsatisfying. And there is an increased risk of being misunderstood.
But then I begin to understand that it is a bit like politics: everyone will look at this from their own perspective, based on their own personal stories and experiences. Some people will say that they would deal with the situation differently, while others may think “hmm, yes, I get that.” And everyone will be right, from the perspective of their own lives.
These last 24 hours have been about validation more than anything. I knew that our decision would meet resistance, and deep down I knew that much of this would reflect my own feelings about it. Thus the need for validation. It is a big decision, after all. But after another long conversation with my husband, who is still away on his business trip, I am finally arriving at the point where I can say with confidence (and only a tiny hint of trepidation): “This is the right decision for us, at this crossroad of our lives and marriage.” And in case you missed it, we decided that I will move to Washington State this summer, ahead of my husband who will follow as soon as he feels free and ready to do so. I am thrilled and scared all at once, but deep inside we both know that we can make it work.
Unfortunately I did not catch the deleted version… Whatever reasons – you know them best – you are doing the right thing considering just the person(s) you love – and yourself!
But doesn’t every decision taken by two persons also mean sacrifice up to a certain degree, if not for both, surely for one…?
I support your decision as I did the same thing when we moved here. I am just a short drive away when you get here so call or come for a visit anytime. You are the only person you truely have to justify your reasons to and that is enough.
i think this decision sounds wonderful! i can see how it would be scary and met by resistance by some. but how lovely to go to where you heart is calling you! i wish i could follow you out the pacific northwest where i feel myself drawn to as well.
((((hugs))) to you!
Kersten, such a difficult decision but only you and Tom know what is best for you both…no one else lives your life but you, and no one else can feel what’s in your heart but you.
I love Bellingham and especially Fairhaven. When I lived on the mainland, I often drove down there on the weekends, just to ‘hang out’.
It will all work out for you both, in time. ((hugs))
Kerstin–I read your original post yesterday right after I had shared an email with you and I felt idiotic to have discussed the topic of my email with you in light of all that you’re going through! And then to read that you received unwanted comments to your post is just beyond my comprehension…
I can relate to how huge this decision is for you. Though my situation (and everyone else’s, as well) is different, for oh so many years I was not happy with where I lived (didn’t fit in, hated the weather, etc, etc) but stayed because of my husband’s job. I always made the best of it but it took a toll on me, too. I’m sure I reflect on my decision now with jaded eyes (ones that I don’t think you are experiencing) but I regret that I didn’t take my own needs into account and that I didn’t place more priority and value on them.
When I read that you have made this decision I know that you are very much torn and I don’t know the answer except that I respect your decision to make the best choice for YOU. The choice that in your gutt feels right. Not always do those decisions fit into a perfect package.
My very best wishes to you and your husband, too.
Hey, congratulations.
I think you are right – we try hard not to be judgemental but see the world thru our own experiences, etc. So it is with that reality that I say this: I am not married and I do not live with my boyfriend. We do not have plans to live together or marry. I am faced with questions so much about this choice that I sometimes avoid weddings and other couply get togethers because I feel as if I am being judged. But it works, for us.
No one knows your life but you. You are both two strong, mature people who can totally make any arrangement work. I look forward to hearing about your new adventure.
While I’ll miss you, I understand and respect this decision and the weight of it.
Check out these books by Joan Anderson:
A Year by the Sea
A Weekend to Change Your Life
An Unfinished Marriage
… and let me know when you’re up for an east coast coffee!
You’ve been making hard decisions for yourself and for your marriage. I think you have to follow your gut feeling. If you feel that you need to be in Washington State, then that’s where you should go. I wish you the best!
I know this has been rumbling for a while and it’s been hard/scary/huge … yet, in the time I’ve known you, you’ve always reached for authenticity, and that’s not an easy path; sounds like the decision is a direct result of that. Sending good vibes to you and Tom for this next part of the journey. D
(i’ve been threatening summer with a visit into the city soon; wanna coordinate schedules for a wander in the park before you depart for points west?)
Hi, just happened upon your blog.. blog hopping from one to the next.
I was going to say, I think life is more of an adventure if you follow your heart. I think sometimes your brain doesn’t want to listen to what’s in your heart. So my whole life, I have tried to do what my heart tells me, and I’ve had such a nice life! I think by now my brain has just given up being reasonable.
Good luck with your move, and enjoy the adventure!
we love bellingham, a beautiful, busy, and intersting college town with active theatre and comedy, lectures and seminars at the university, and good seafood. gorgeous geography surrounds the city with a beautiful waterfront and the northern cascades close by. it is close to both vancouver and seattle. i would have loved going to college there, and a friend of mine from atlanta considered it when she was exploring teaching positions in the universities around the country! we visit there a couple of times a year, and it is a city i would enjoy living in myself.
Only the people involved in the decision and the outcome of that decision are qualified to pass judgement on that decision. I am dismayed that you received negative comments.
As Yolanda, Kate I. and others here said, what matters is peace in your heart and your husband’s heart, however that comes.
All the best as you now make your plans!
Kerstin, forgive my intrusion as a first time vistor to comment on what is obviously a very personal post. I simply wanted to wish you godspeed in this new venture, and applaud you and your husband for your willingness to give this a try.
I have some friends who have lived apart numerous times during their 20 year marriage, for employment reasons mostly. They have made it work quite admirably.
On another note, your photographs are stunningly beautiful. I have such great admiration for the artistic photographers whose blogs I visit. I’m afraid I’m of the ilk who always cuts off someone’s head of gets her own finger in the viewfinder
Thank you for your honesty and best wishes on your new journey.
I completely and totally understand you making this leap…and agree with the others who said that only the two people involved can begin to understand the dynamics at play. It is not for us to judge (and I wouldn’t anyway)…it’s only for us to link arms and form a cushion-y net…so that the leap might not look quite so scary.
Blessings.
When In 1985, when I was 31 and had four kids ranging in age from 12-4, I moved to Colorado from Oregon with the kids at the end of the summer. I got married to their dad the year I was 18. He was a musician, me an artist and we never had any money to speak of. So he went back to school for a master’s. We had made a decision to move, but then he didn’t finish the degree work, so he stayed there. It was a challenge, esp. going to a place that was so different, so yuppie after boho life in the Pacific Northwest, but not the worst thing ever for sure. Eventually he made his way to Colorado too. Things usually work out the way they are intended to, though our hearts may struggle, or at least falter, along the way.
Good luck!
sarah
Though we’ve never met, and I’ve never heard Tom’s voice on a blog, I have faith in you both. Wishing you Every Good Thing.
oh kerstin. it was so wonderful to hear from you. and then i had to come over here to tonight to read your words, pour a cup of tea and simply catch up. there’s a touch of sad, but almost something liberating reading your words, strengthening. your strength. and graceful as well.
there are thoughts that can be read between the lines, but that’s no one’s place other than yours. almost as though it needs no validation, because it simply only needs what feels right and what feels good for you and in you.
and you know what. i’d much rather say, let’s pick up the phone and call. simply talk. because although we know each other and we don’t… sometimes it feels as though there’s this familiarity.
better yet. come over for coffee.
ganz liebe grüsse,
angela
You are so strong! I applaud you, and I admire you, and most of all, I feel lucky to call you a friend! You display such strength of character and are working so hard on finding your pathway towards happiness. You inspire me!
Congratulations on a monumental decision and all you need do now, is try it and see. This will pave a new path forwards and I do hope it brings some clarity and additional joy in the control over your own life.
Selfishly, I’m looking forward to having you on the ‘left’ coast.
[...] my move away from my husband. In the summer of 2008, after three difficult years and soon after our Decision, things were beginning to shift. Ever so subtly, but I was really settling into my job at the [...]