~ all i needed today ~

Maddie, cupcakes and a walk along the beach.

~ work. life. weight. cooking. ~

A blank page to be filled. With visions, hopes and plans. Taken at my new favorite cafe on Railroad Ave in Bellingham.
It’s an unassuming kind of place but the one where I shared a lovely bowl of soup with my husband once,
and their coffee is very good, they play funky music and are kind of earthy and real. I can’t really describe it,
but I just like the place. Photo taken with my iPhone on February 24, 2010.

It’s been a while. No guesses why. Over the last seven days I spent over 100 hours at the hotel, which breaks down into 72 hours of actual work, the rest is ’sleep time’, although that doesn’t always mean sleep. Yes, I like to torture myself by calculating my hours in this manner, it helps me justify the exhaustion I am feeling! But before you feel too sorry for me know that all this is self inflicted given that I am the one who does the scheduling! And between needing to be there on certain days and trying to not overload my team either, this is what I ended up with. So today was pretty much spent napping, eating and feeling out of sorts and jetlagged. I have one more day at work tomorrow and then I am off for three. And for the rest of the month things look a little more balanced, I made sure of that! Tomorrow I am also starting interviews to fill the position we lost last month (and which I have been covering) and I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will find a candidate who is as wonderful and capable as my current staff. Seriously, for all my complaining about my hours and being a reluctant manager, I am building up a pretty amazing team, and that does make a difference.

Anyway. There are other things on my mind. Essentially good things to do with my husband and the direction we are headed in. Things that will require a degree of patience and quite a bit of planning. As much as I want to proceed now, now is not the time. However, now is the time to also start focusing my attention on another matter. My weight. Dieting. Exercising. Healthy living. A subject that affects and occupies only about, oh, 90% of all women in our western society. The statistics speak for themselves and most of you know them well. I started my first diet at the age of 14 when I had a perfectly nice figure and my weight was in proportion to my height and body type. But I felt fat and unattractive and so the vicious cycle of half-hearted diet attempts and weight losses and gains began. My relationship with food and my body became increasingly unhealthy and more than thirty years later I am very overweight. Living in America hasn’t helped as the lifestyle over here is based on a convenience-focused infrastructure where walking and cycling are not a natural means of transportation but rather activities that have to be chosen as part of an exercise regime. Add to that meals that have doubled in size over the years and it is not surprising that so many people are struggling with obesity.

If being slim and fit was a simple matter of adjusting our food intake and exercise routine in accordance with our increasingly sedentary lifestyle, well, then we wouldn’t have a billion dollar industry telling us how to do this. Plus, what this industry usually fails to address are the emotional causes of over-eating and under-exercising. Anyway. The reason I am writing about this is that I have reached a point where continuing on this path of ignoring my weight will have more severe consequences than just the frustration I experience every time I go clothes shopping. The subject of my weight is like a huge can of worms that until now I have not felt ready to approach. It is laden with irrational fears and paralyzing anxieties, as well as a profound resistance to allowing any of these to surface.

There are various ways in which I distract myself from the subject. Which for a while was actually the whole point: focus on other things in my life in the hope that food will become less important and my relationship with it more ‘normal’. I created all these projects, mostly in my head and with minimal follow-up in real-time, that were supposed to give me a creative outlet, as well as pave a path of escape from my over-demanding job. What happened in reality was that I wasn’t only feeling stressed from work but also putting a lot of pressure on myself to get these projects going. And guess what? That stress steered me right into the lion’s den of emotional eating, thus creating that vicious cycle of stress, comfort food, guilt, more stress, more comfort food, more guilt. Whatever I was trying to do by ignoring my weight and eating patterns, it clearly wasn’t working.

I have not participated in the Mondo Beyondo course but the other day Andrea released a snippet of it on her blog: the concept of clearing. It wasn’t until I scrambled to gather my prints for the gallery that it suddenly hit me: I need to remove the distractions and focus on what really matters at this point in my life: getting my health and weight back on track. Not by ignoring it but by making time for it. Does this mean dieting? Not quite. While I admire people like Darlene who I have no doubt will succeed with her program, this is not for me. I hate counting calories, or points, or carbs or whatever. I need to start with something much more basic. Cooking. Rediscovering the joy of preparing and tasting a home-cooked meal made with fresh and tasty ingredients. Daring to be messy in the kitchen and worrying less about my desire for things to be neat and orderly (that’s the German in me!). Thinking about recipes and how to plan my shopping instead of yet another photography e-courses; the world has enough of those but I only have this one body and it needs my attention. For now I will not worry about portion sizes or fat content, that will come later; the focus during this first phase is simply on getting back into cooking and nutrition. And what better way to get some help with this than have your mother come for an extended visit and let her teach you all the secrets of her fantastic cooking! She is set to arrive in mid April and staying for two months and I am so looking forward to this. To be honest, I am kind of excited about all this. For the first time in a long time I am developing a vision of myself as I am approaching my 50s, a vision that includes a healthier lifestyle and fitter body, not just for myself but also my husband. And it all starts with cooking.

~ where i live ~

Last night I was exhausted. It had been a busy 16-hour day at the hotel and when I finally closed the desk at 10:30 p.m. and retired to our back room for the night shift I was hoping for a quiet one. To be fair, most of our nights are quiet and uninterrupted. As was the case last night, except that I got woken up at 5:30 a.m. because a guest had locked himself out and needed a new key. No point going back to sleep after that so I stayed up and finished off some work until my colleague started her shift at 6:30 a.m. On my way home I grabbed a coffee and sat for a while in one of my favorite spots (photo above), allowing the tension of a long day at work to ease away and looking forward to another glorious spring day. Seriously, I am loving El Nino, the weather pattern that is responsible not only for the amazing summer we had last year but also this mild winter and early spring. The Canadians across the border are of course not so happy about it and the irony of this does not escape anyone who is following the Olympics, given that the rest of the country, and Europe, have been totally snowed under! Alas, it is what it is, the weather is one of the few things I never get upset about because there is zilch I can do about it. Except enjoy it when it is as stunning as today!

Once I got home I tackled my overflowing inbox and then spent some time on the phone with my husband who walked me through the house that he is moving to next week. He had been renting a room at a friend’s place since I moved here and finally decided that it was time to get his own place again. He is still renting but I am so happy that he will have more privacy and space for himself and his son. There is this great iPhone app called Knocking which allows you to share live video by literally “knocking” on someone’s phone. Today we discovered that we can also talk on the phone at the same time so my husband gave me a live tour of his new place. Technology is amazing. By the time we were done it was lunch-time and I decided to make the most of this beautiful day and take a drive up and down the coast: bundled up (it still was a little chilly), top down and listening to my favorite playlist. I drove down to Edison, a tiny quirky arts community south of here, where I had lunch at my favorite diner and then went over to this earthy-crunchy cafe where I sat on their deck and indulged in some ice cream and lots of sunshine. On my way back I stopped to take the above photo of the San Juan Islands. If you look closely you can just about make out a ship that was sailing along, can you see it behind the trees?

My next stop was a favorite spot along Chuckanut Drive, I never tire of this view and probably have a million photos already.

I could have gone back home from there but instead I kept going, it was one of those days. With Diana Krall, Jamie Cullum and St. Germain keeping me good company me and my little red bug kept driving all the way to Gooseberry Point, where you can catch the ferry to Lummi Island, part of the Lummi Indian Reservation. I did not go over as it was getting late but on the way back I had to be careful to not drive my car off the road because I was so awed by the views.

How can you not be? Mt. Baker has fascinated me ever since I first laid my eyes on it 25 years ago when I lived across the border in Vancouver. You get some great views of it from up there. Back then I went skiing on it, too, but that’s not something I would attempt to do these days, I am too out of shape. But I still love this mountain.

Can you see the ship in the bottom right hand corner? That’s where the Alaska Ferry leaves every Friday. And the hotel where I work is right behind it. And my apartment somewhere further to the left. I don’t know if my husband and I will actually end up living here together, there are potential developments that may put us elsewhere in America or even Europe. But for now and the foreseeable future this is where I live. And I intend to make the most of it while I am here. Whatever happens, this part of the world will always be a part of my heart, too.

~ love loot ~

Last Monday, on my birthday and our anniversary day, we drove up to the Dutch inspired town of Lynden. It was our first visit there and I have to admit we were not too impressed. It’s one of those tacky kind of tourist places that has clearly suffered from the recession. This impression was not helped by it being the off season and everything looking rather dead and uninspired. Nonetheless, we discovered a nice antique shop that was open and spent some time browsing in there. This is what I love about my husband when we go on little road trips like this. We just gel into this unity where we wander, explore and simply enjoy being in each other’s company. And we found some cool stuff in this shop, my husband bought two cast-iron Indian book ends and the insides of an old parking meter (it’s a guy thing!) and for me these lovely turquoise salt & pepper shakers and an old milk bottle from Massachusetts (for the photo I dressed it up with jewelery he got me on previous trips.) At first I thought I’d use the bottle for flowers (I love putting flowers in old glass jars) but now I am thinking that I will turn it into a wish jar and fill it with quotes, thoughts and dreams. A lovely reminder of a wonderful day spent with the man I love.

~ the only constant is change ~

Today was another gorgeous spring-like day in the Pacific Northwest. I wrapped up and put the top down
on my car for the first time this year! Both scenic photos were taken from the same spot, Mt Baker and
Bellingham to the left and Lummi Island to the right. All photos taken today.

It seems that there is a certain constellation high in the skies that can be blamed for all the upheavals so far this year. The most challenging in over 40 years apparently. And it’s not over yet. Good thing I am getting used to it, kinda! An unexpected turn of events at work means an even more precarious balancing act for me over the next few weeks, but on the upside I am setting the foundation for a strong team to carry us through the busy months ahead. If I am successful then this will make a huge difference to everyone’s quality of work and private life. And yes, a little positive energy from the stars might be needed, too!

Saying good-bye to my husband two days ago was hard. More so than before. You would think that after a year and a half we would be used to this and it would have become easier but that is not the case. We spent three wonderful days together but I have to admit that at times it was difficult for me to stay in the presence as I was already fretting about the day that he would leave again. Nonetheless, we savored every moment that we had, and some yummy home cooked meals, too! Seriously, I slow-cooked the most amazing lamb shanks, they were so tender that the meat fell right off the bone. I had never cooked with lamb before and my husband was quite impressed, as was I!

In other news I will be selling my photographs at a new local gallery/gift shop! This has actually been a weird week with regards to my photography. First I was contacted by two friends from Massachusetts who wanted to use my New England photos for their websites, and one of them also offered me a show when I visit my husband there in the fall. Then, two days ago, I received an email from a lovely woman asking whether I had local representation for my fine art photography? So today we met up and I left her with images that I had already printed and packaged. That was all I could do given the short time frame since the ’soft’ opening of her gallery is happening tomorrow. It is a wonderfully bright and airy space and I am very thrilled to be a part of it! The owner is a very energetic and charismatic woman and we got on great; I am quite excited about where this opportunity might lead in the long run. And I wonder whether the universe is giving me a big nudge here to do more with my photography?

There are signs that push me towards expansion. Those are the words that keeps popping up in my head. EXPAND. EXPLORE. EXPERIENCE. And this one, too: DARE TO BE MESSY. But this is another story and as it’s gotten very late I will save that for another time and bid you a good night for now!

~ heart reflections ~

It is now 12pm on Friday. In 2:45 hours I will have finished cleaning my apartment. In 3:00 hours I will start slow cooking lamb shanks for tonight. In five hours my husband will arrive in Bellingham. I haven’t seen him since New Years and even though that’s been only six weeks (“only” by our standards) it seems like an eternity. I. Can. Not. Wait. To be in his arms and to spend a weekend filled with love, laughter, chatting, movies and good food. We have been living on opposite coasts for the last year and a half, and we have another two years ahead of us. Sometimes my heart is filled with so much longing that I am not sure whether I can do this that long. When I am feeling lonely over here, and he is feeling lonely over there, I really wonder what the f*** are we doing??! Mmm, words with little stars, don’t use those very often! Maybe I should. Anyway. This is our path that we have chosen and the most loving thing we can do is to honor it, and to keep walking on it with grace, patience and openness. And to savor every moment that we do spend together which I fully intent to do this weekend! It’s our triple whammy weekend, too. Valentine’s, my birthday, our anniversary. My favorite weekend of the year.

Happy Valentine’s xo

~ what makes us whole is love ~

A wedding gift. Photo taken on December 3, 2008.

Do you sometimes feel fragmented or alienated?

This is a question asked on day 2 of Mary Jaksch’s Zen Retreat. It’s a free online workshop and when I signed up for it, it was more out of curiosity than anything else. Sometimes I get so fed up with all this cerebral self-help stuff, to the point where it just doesn’t feel real anymore, and where I feel that it keeps me in my head rather than taking me out of it. But like everything else I continue pushing through it, with the stubborn determination of a mule. And while I am not really practicing the Metta Meditation ~ the practice of loving-kindness ~ I am picking up some interesting snippets in Mary’s daily posts.

Like today’s question. And one of the ways she describes as how we become divided within:

Change leaves part of us behind.
Whenever we make a change in our life, a part gets left behind.
That’s why change – even wholesome change – is often painful.

The French poet Anatole France said:
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us
is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

Reading this was like someone threw a bucket of cold water into my face. It woke me up. To one of the realities of my life. It is no wonder that I am feeling so fragmented and exhausted. The only constant in my life has been change. Homes, jobs, boyfriends. Hence the gipsy. And some of these have been big changes, moving to foreign countries, across oceans and vast lands. Pieces of myself are scattered all over the place; according to Anatole France I have died to many lives.

Of course much of this change has been self inflicted and usually desired and even longed for. It’s gifted me with wonderful glimpses into this world and a treasured sense of adventure and freedom. But I don’t know how many more changes I have in me, there is a limit that I have been sensing very acutely as of late. For all my tendencies to look for the exit I long for a place where I can stay. No more moving around every year or two. I have a deep desire to find a place that is home for both myself and my husband. I want us to establish our physical roots together, to become part of a community and to stay. We tried this in New England and we failed. So we have to try again. And be patient because right now is not the time for another big change. Right now is the time for reflection and growth and putting some of the fragments back together. More than anything I want to become whole again. And Mary tells me how:

What makes us whole is love.

~ moving from fear towards love ~

Sweet loving surrender. iPhone. February 5, 2010.

Turns out it is not so easy for me to write about love all the time. Turns out that I am more comfortable talking about the dark corners of my soul than the bright spaces where things like love live. Thoughts become things. But that is not what this is about. By joining in with the love theme for February I am not trying to think love so that it becomes a reality. Love already is a reality. The fact is that this is a challenging time of resistance, shedding and growth in my life. This whole business of awakening myself, well, it’s awkward and clumsy, and risky and exhausting. And lonely. And then I read this today (from Zen Retreats):

How can we move from fear towards love?
“The key to such a transformation is intimacy. We move from fear towards love
when we start to connect with ourselves and others.”

And really, whatever it is that I am going through a lot of it comes down to this. Connecting with others. Having friends. A community. Being with my husband. I love where I live and treasure the proximity to my friends in Vancouver. But I am lonely in my little town by the sea. I know that there are more things I could do: join a club or church community, attend evening classes, become more active in the local business community. But half the time I am too exhausted from work, and the other half I am just not feeling the flow. I have always made friends easily but at my age people are well established in their own circles of family, friends and routines, and less inclined to open these up to outsiders. I understand that. And with that realization I am ready to release the pressure I’ve been putting myself under with regards to “not doing enough” to make new friends. I am letting go. And instead I am going to simply focus on the friends and family I already have. They may not live down the road right now, but that doesn’t make them any less deserving of my attention. I am blessed with some pretty special people in my life: friends who would not think twice to get on a plane and come over here if I needed them, and a family who I have come to appreciate with a deeper love as I grow older, and of course a husband who is sharing this path with me and even though we have chosen to live on opposite coasts for an extended period of time our love transcends those physical boundaries each and every day.

Eventually there will be movement again, towards each other, and a widening of the circle and an overlapping of intersections. And even though the intermittent moments of loneliness can be crushing, the acknowledgment that they are a part of the journey is a tremendous relief. And with that comes a clarity of what I need to do next. It will all unfold on here and yes, moving from fear towards love is very much what it’s all about.

~ music is love ~

Paris. Kodak Point & Shoot. September 2005.

Today music has been on my mind. It started with Carol’s post which made me think that, really, listening to music should be one of my five rules.

I am not a musical person in the sense that I have no talent for playing an instrument (trust me, I tried.) I think I may be slightly tone deaf even, unlike my husband who can tell you exactly what type of guitars are being used when he listens to a group of musicians. He also has an amazing memory for band names and titles, and he is interested in a very broad range of genres. My preference spans mostly across pop, alternative, dance, jazz and some R&B and classical. Not into rock and definitely not rap or heavy metal. Nonetheless. I love music. Sometimes I forget how much. Those are the days I spend in silence and even though that’s not a bad thing, I just forget that music has the ability to instantly lift my spirits and expand my range of emotions. Music opens me up, to the world and to myself. Music makes me feel alive. And it stumps me that sometimes I simply forget this.

Tonight I drove up to Canada for a gathering at Maddie’s place. I finally got to meet Darlene and her husband Duke ~ if you read her blog and think she sounds amazing then let me tell you, she is amazing. Very warm, lovely, funny, smart and real. Totally and refreshingly real. As is her husband who also has this quiet confident aura about him which I found calming and inviting. You can feel the love between them which was nice to see in this month that has been dedicated to love. Duke is a musician and he was my second reminder today of music.

So on my way home, feeling happy and filled up from the company of old and new friends, I decided to choose a piece of music rather than shuffle through one of my playlists. Keith Jarrett is one of those musicians who plays right into my heart. And that’s what I wanted tonight. Driving along the dark silent roads, onto the highway and only turning it down to cross the border … it was a mild evening, I rolled down the window a bit to let in some fresh air, you know that smell of stars and night rain and quiet, and I listened to this and remembered how much I love music.

(P.S. The video only plays the first nine of 25 minutes. Keith Jarrett played this piece during a concert in my hometown Cologne in 1975 and I first heard it in 1998 at my sister’s place in Paris. Thus the photo above because the song will always remind me of feeling wonderfully alive in Paris. And if you wait long enough the video will show a photo of the Dome in Cologne and the bridge in front of it where my husband proposed in 2005. Aah, more love. )

~ love can be found in hidden places ~

Elizabeth’s lovely story about the small heart shaped rock that is now forever cemented into the foundation of the room her husband built for her reminded me of our own hidden love message. When my husband and I renovated our first condo in Massachusetts we took the whole kitchen apart and moved it by 10 feet. We painted the new wall behind the kitchen sink a vibrant merlot red; as you can see we didn’t paint all the way to the bottom because that part was going to be invisible behind the cabinets. Instead my husband wrote this on the wall and it tickled us quite a bit that our little love message would remain unseen behind these cabinets until the day that someone else decides to dismantle the kitchen again. Probably not for a long time. This was our first place that we had chosen together and we poured a lot of love into it. Someone else now cooks in this kitchen and whoever uncovers our little message I hope it will make them smile and feel happy.