We have had an amazing June and it looks as though the beautiful weather in the Pacific Northwest is set to continue into the July 4th weekend. And after tomorrow I have three days off, yay! The photo on the left shows a wild flower bouquet that I picked up at our local farmer’s market today. It is a tiny market on the Fairhaven Village Green, mostly fruit & veg, my favorite German bakery has a stand there, and a couple of jewellery and clothing stalls. Seriously, it’s tiny. And very lovely. Unfortunately I could not take any photos as the battery on my point & shoot (which I always carry with me) had died. So I took the photo on the right with my iPhone, this is the view just around the corner from the market, taken this morning when I went for a bike ride.
You know, I’ve been struggling with a lot of stuff in my head over recent months. A part of me wonders whether I’ve been suffering from depression due to light deprivation. It’s not just my north facing apartment, it’s my office corner at work, too, which is dim and has no windows. I really notice the difference in my mood when I’ve spent most of the day catching up on things in my little office cave. But it’s not just that, at least I don’t think so. I just keep having these thoughts. About aging. My parents living so far away. Illness. Loneliness in old age. Suffering. Especially the latter ever since the Air France crash. That really got under my skin.
I read that one of the passengers, a Brazilian woman who had just embarked on a promising career as a musical star in Europe, was terrified of flying. The article said that she didn’t visit her family in Brazil as often as she would have liked to because of that fear. And that she used to take anxiety pills before every flight. I wonder whether, like me, she felt more relaxed a few hours into the flight? At that point I am usually comforted by the fact that mid-flight accidents are very rare, most problems happen during take-off or approach. I keep visualizing those last minutes on board when she, and every one else, realized that something was severely wrong. That her worst nightmare was happening. I used to enjoy turbulence when I was younger and a flight attendant who loved her job. But since my fear of flying manifested itself some years ago I dread it. And I keep imagining those moments before everything turned to hell … the seat belt signs coming on, the purser announcing “an area of turbulence”, the plane beginning to bounce up and down like a ship in stormy waters. I have been on some very bumpy flights, I have hit air pockets and experienced a couple of aborted landings. And I have flown that route from Rio to Europe a few times. These are the moments where I wish I didn’t have such a vivid and obsessive imagination. Whatever happened during those last horrific minutes on AF 447 I hope that it happened fast and that no-one had to live through this terror in full consciousness for too long.
This gipsy needs to get out for a bit. Needs to go traveling. And I realize that thinking about plane crashes like this makes me feel trapped because it reminds me of my own fear of flying, and now I am even less inclined to want to get on a plane. Not that I have been planning any travels. This is probably the first year in at least a decade where apart from our trip to California in February I am not going anywhere. And the part in me that doesn’t want to fly doesn’t mind that one bit. But the other part, the gipsy, well she would love to go somewhere, some time soon. Maybe a little road trip down the coast, say to Oregon? Mmm … maybe I will MOVE first, and then we’ll see about road trips!
Anyway, I am hoping to catch up on some emails and comments during my days off, in between starting to organize my stuff and simply enjoying this beautiful weather and the sunshine.
I like to buy fresh flowers every week. Today, however, I hesitated as these few stems of fresia came with a whooping price tag of $9. But then I decided that they were worth it. And I am glad I did. Taken on June 28, 2009. Nikon D80.
Sometimes I read Kenda’s posts and feel such an eerie sense of recognition. Like today, when she talked about two lifestyles she feels drawn to ~ simplicity vs. abundance ~ each on seemingly opposite ends of the spectrum which she continuously strives to balance out. And as so often, she finds the most poignant quotes to accompany her ruminations.
This dilemma of the multiple personalities that live within me and that keep pulling me in different directions has resulted in a lifelong struggle. And even here Kenda beautifully expressed a similar sentiment in her recent alter-ego series, but it is her post today that resonated with me most deeply, at this point in my life. Simplicity, light and airiness vs. abundance, color and vivacity.
Because of my move in a few weeks I have been thinking a lot about how I want to decorate the new place. How I live is a perfect reflection of my inner life, my style has always been kind of quirky, personal, a mish mash of old and new and, ahem, Ikea. Lots of indirect lighting, candles, fresh flowers and diverse wall art complete my interior design fancies. On the surface I am quite organized, but underneath I am not. It’s a constant struggle of mine, this need to be better organized, to control my space and life, and my failure to do so on so many levels. And I wonder, will I ever change? Will I ever achieve that balance between simplicity and order, and abundance and aliveness?
The new apartment is like a blank canvass and even though it is only a rental I do have the freedom to make it my own. Within limits of course, but just the fact that I can paint if I want to is enough for me. Right now the walls are a warm light creamy color. I can certainly live with those for a while, until I have a better feel for the place. It is a newer modern condo with moderate fixtures, i.e. no granite countertops or upgraded hardware, and no character features such as wooden floors or crown moldings. But it is spacious, light and clean and has potential. And the question I am asking myself is this: should I go all the way and paint it white and go lighter in my accessories, perhaps even get some white pieces of furniture? Or, do I use color to create a sense of coziness and vibrancy? I can tell you this. I have never willingly lived with white walls. White walls are a very German look and one that I have resisted ever since I took an interest in interior design. I love color and over the years I have gone from brown and orange (the 70s), to peach and chrome (my Miami influenced years), to cornflower blue and pine (started with a sofa given to me and ex-Englishman by his mother), and finally to warmer shades of taupe with splashes of deep red and lots of natural wood. My colors are definitely less bold these days as I am drawn to softer and more natural hues. But will I be able to pursue something that never felt natural to me and go all white and bright?
It is funny to me that I am even contemplating any of this. However I decorated my homes was largely driven by existing furniture, layout and budget. Decisions about color were often made on a whim and based around the “phase” I was currently in and the time I had to decorate. And I am not sure why but this time I want to do it differently. Give it more thought. Create with a longer term view in mind, and by longer this gipsy means at least 2-4 years, and yes, perhaps even beyond! This is also why I chose a larger apartment when I decided to move again, because more space means more possibilities and more room for making changes which is more likely to keep me in the same place.
Anyway, once again it is late and time for me to call it a night. But before I go let me ask you: what influences your decorating choices? What color schemes are you currently drawn to? How does your home reflect your personality?
Dinner with my hubby at a lovely local restaurant. We’ve had the most amazing June in the Pacific Northwest and that’s certainly made my house search even more enjoyable, as I could whizz around the various neighborhoods of my town with the top down. Taken on June 15, 2009.
It’s almost a year since my husband and I embarked on our long distance marriage adventure. Wow. One year already. We just spent a whole week together in my little town in the Pacific Northwest and even though we didn’t really go anywhere we just enjoyed being together, chilling out, nursing a couple of unwell days and feeling very close and loved. This had been our longest time apart, more than ten weeks, and just when I thought I couldn’t stand it any longer he was finally here. And it felt like it was only yesterday since his last visit. I don’t quite know how to describe it but this last week felt like we had passed some invisible milestone. After a year of transition and new beginnings we seem to have found our stride on this new path. And we are still walking side by side, more in tune than ever, and still very much in love. And there is something else that made me very happy this week. You see, my husband can be a rather complex person who does not always make life easy for himself because he always puts those he loves first. He is also an extremely hard working man who can find it difficult to unwind when there is a lot going on in his professional life. Yet this week I watched him relax. Enjoy himself. Be himself. More so than he ever was/is in New England. Seeing him this way warmed my heart beyond words. And so we ended up having a wonderful and much needed vacation together.
This was also the week where I made a decision with respect to my house hunting. A technicality actually prevented me from qualifying for the aforementioned loan program after all, and I was not upset about this as I had already more or less decided that while the market may be ripe and ready with good deals, I am not quite there yet. But I am still moving. While looking for a property I came across a newer devolopment that I really liked and one of the condos there was up for renting. It was a little above what I wanted to spend on a rental but I negotiated it down to a comfortable level and if all goes to plan I will be moving at the beginning of August. And while this pleases the gipsy very much simply because she loves moving, there is actually a lot more thought that has gone into this decision than at any other point before.
As I have mentioned before there is much I love about my current apartment, mostly its layout and location in the heart of Bellingham’s historic district. But you may also remember that it is north facing and therefore rather dark. And because it’s right on a main intersection it is also pretty noise, especially in the summer when I tend to keep my windows open. Plus, while it is great for one person, there is not a lot of room for guests. Nonetheless, the rent is reasonable and the commute to work very short, like, one minute! What actually triggered my house hunt for real were two events: firstly I was told to clear the space in my parking spot in the underground garage. Like most other people in this building I had used the space to keep boxes and other items that would not fit into the apartment which has only limited storage facilities. In order to avoid a fine I put everything into my apartment so it’s getting a bit crammed in here. Secondly, when I asked whether I could paint the apartment white (to make it lighter) I was advised that I would have had to hire a professional service of their choice for this, and change it back to its current color when I move out. Way too expensive. And so I started thinking about other options.
This next move is all about settling down in this area. Finding a place where I can stay comfortably for more than a year or two. A place where my husband can easily move in as and when he is ready. A place that is large enough for overnight visitors and bright enough to not make me feel tired and depressed whenever I am home. A place that gets enough sun for plants and flowers, both inside and on my balcony. A place where my cat has more room for playing and roaming, and where I don’t have to feel the pressure of needing to live a minimalistic life (as much as I admire those who can, let’s face it, that’s just not me.) A place that is about light and openness, rather than darkness and restriction. In the past I have always compromised space and quiet for location. But my priorities are shifting, and I am in the mood for nesting. Because I work so hard, my home has become my sanctuary, the place where I unwind, but also welcome and entertain friends and family.
So this is what I found: a 1400 sq.ft. (130 sq meters) 2-bed/2-bath condo on the other side of Bellingham, a 15-minute drive to work. It is east facing and because it is on the third, and highest, floor with nothing obstructing its views, it gets a lot of light throughout the day. It has a lovely covered balcony with vistas over nicely kept grounds, the apartment buildings on the other sides of those grounds (a good distance away) and the mountains beyond those. And on a clear day ~ Mount Baker! Each good sized bedroom has its own full bathroom and walk-in closet, and there is a huge storage room off the hallway, and a laundry room next to the kitchen. No underground parking but I get one covered parking space for my convertible. What’s also nice is that I am renting directly from the owner (rather than through an agency), a lovely young woman who has already said that I can paint the walls, if I ever wanted to, and I am also allowed to bring my cat (that obviously would have been a deal breaker otherwise.) The development is only three years old and I think I also like it so much because it very much reminds me of German apartment living. So while I will no longer be in my historic district I am not far from it, either, and because my job is there I will still get to enjoy all its lovely cafes, shops and trails.
Anyway, it is getting late and I have to get up early for work tomorrow. The next few weeks will be busy with logistics and sorting and packing. I will keep you posted!
Maddie is back in town. I missed her! Enjoying a much needed macchiato this morning as we both contemplated life and its challenges. Whatever we are faced with, a good friend to talk to is like the beacon in the dark that tells you that while you may not be sure where exactly you are headed, you are not lost, either. All photos taken on June 11, 2009.
“We shall not cease from exploration
and the end of all our exploring will be
to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time.”
T.S. Eliot
Kenda left this quote in a recent comment and I love how she has a knack for finding the most poignant quotes. Go visit her blog, she is wonderfully insightful and a beautiful writer. She is actually one of the women whose email has been waiting in my inbox for, oh, nearly two months! Sorry, Kenda! I wish she lived closer (she is in England) because I think we could become good friends. I invited her to come for a visit to the Pacific Northwest because I know that she would love it here, and I hope that perhaps next year we can make it happen.
Anyway. This quote touched me deeply. For I do feel in some ways like I am back where I started, yet this time I am looking at my surroundings with an awareness that’s been missing before. So thank you, Kenda, for giving me words that describe this process so much better than I ever could.
Well, I am still crunching the numbers and contemplating the housing market. One of my readers kindly reminded me of my troubled financial history and voiced his concerns over the impact of my possible overspending on his taxes. While his comment may have been a little patronizing he does have a point. Given my past experiences I, too, feel a bit nervous about all of this. (Although, for the records, I never defaulted on my home in England and sold it with a tiny tweeny profit.) It is not so easy to break out of a mindset that you have lived with for decades. But then I remind myself that the situation is quite different this time round. Financially I am in a much better, and more stable, position than I was all those years ago when I purchased my flat in Bath, England. Furthermore, back then I bought at the height of the market, whereas now prices have dropped significantly and sellers are very motivated. The mortgage process is also much tighter. In England I got a 125% (!) mortgage with only a letter from my employer confirming my salary. No bank or credit card statements, no income proof, nothing. Yes, I know, I was pretty amazed at the time, and still am, that something like this was not only possible, but greatly encouraged. However, as we all know, times have changed. And while the current mortgage program that I am considering does help people who cannot afford a big deposit, it is quite strict in its guidelines. It looks at your income and your monthly payments are not allowed to exceed a certain percentage of your earnings. So even if you wanted to be wreckless you wouldn’t be able to.
In any case. I am giving this a lot of thought and educating myself and creating some amazing spreadsheets. Who knew that I can be a bit of an Excel wizard! I know what my limits are and I am figuring out what I need in terms of price, fees and interest to stay within my budget. I am playing out scenarios with various price levels and seller contributions and so on. One thing is clear: Bargains are out there and I have to catch one, otherwise this won’t happen. And that’s ok, too. Neither the economy, nor the housing market, are going to bounce back any time soon, and now that I have passed my initial anxiety over wanting to do this, I am quite prepared to be patient. I am also aware that there are certain risk factors, like losing my job or becoming ill, but even without a mortgage these are scary scenarios in a country where there is no such thing as job or healthcare security. Nonetheless, there is something about home ownership that I find very comforting and positive, and the thought that it is even possible for me to get back onto the property ladder, fills me with hope and peace. I also love the idea of having more freedom when it comes to decorating my home rather than being at the mercy of a landlord in this respect.
The bottom line is that I am prepared to walk away from it all if it doesn’t happen within the boundaries of my budget. Unlike in England I am going into this with my eyes open, and if that means deciding to stay in a rental place for another year, or two, or forever, then I will find a way to make that work, too. And in the meantime, I indulge myself in some dreaming as well as serious number crunching.
Have I ever told you about my good friend? Procrastination? He has been a faithful companion throughout my life, rarely letting me down.
Take these last few weeks. There are a couple of emails in my inbox, thoughtfully composed by these two lovely women, and making me quite happy when I read them. I have considered my replies carefully, in my mind, for quite a while now. But have I actually answered them? Nope. Not the right time. Feeling too stressed. Too busy. Wanting to give them the attention that I feel they deserve. Or, take the manuscript that one of my early blogging inspirations sent me. For me to read. With an open mind and heart. That was a huge gesture of trust and friendship. And I had the best of intentions to read it asap. I began printing it, but then, half way through that process, my ink ran out. And because the print job started at the last pages I was missing the first fifty. This was not a huge dilemma, I mean, I just had to go and get new ink, right? Well, not according to my good friend Procrastination. And when, after some weeks had passed, I finally did drive to the office supply store I ran out in such a rush that I forgot to write down the ink number, but hey, I can figure it out in the shop, right? Well, almost. I thought I remembered the correct printer model name, but when I got home it was the wrong cartridge after all. Ugh. And I haven’t been back there since, can I even still get a return on the wrong ink? So, yep, my good friend Procrastination doing good work here. And naturally he has now also been joined by another dear buddy: Guilt. Oh, those two work great together. The perfect couple.
And over the last few days those two found another conspirator: Distraction. I have been house hunting! In many ways this is a little crazy. I do not have a lot of money, certainly not enough for a down payment. But a realtor I met at a work function the other day mentioned a program that offers full financing and I have researched it and I qualify. That was the first step. I then started looking at house prices and the condo market in Bellingham has taken quite a dive, so there are actually some affordable homes out there. And I actually prefer condos over houses, that is the European in me who is used to, and likes, apartment living. The program restricts the area in which I can buy, but I have seen a couple of places I really like. In fact, I wanted to buy the first place I saw! That’s a bit of a pattern with me actually, I have a tendency to go for the first thing of whatever it is I am looking for, and my husband was just a little concerned, to say the least. But be that as it is, what I am not always credited with is that I usually do a fair bit of research prior to my endeavors. I familiarized myself with the eligible areas, taking advantage of the gorgeous summer weather and taking the little bug for rides around the various neighborhoods. I also researched planning projects in and around these neighborhoods, anything that may increase, or decrease, their value over the coming years. Once I had a better picture I zoomed in on some properties and eliminated those that did not meet my most important criteria: covered parking for my convertible, south/west facing (light!), with a balcony or deck, not on the ground floor, and at least two bedrooms. This did not actually leave me with that many choices. And I think I may have to be more flexible with respect to the parking, but I won’t budge on any of the other criteria.
Anyway. There is a lot to think about here. I loved the first place I looked at, it ticks a lot of boxes. But the asking price is way over my budget. And even if I got it down considerably, in which case it would be quite a bargain and a good investment, that would still be at the top end of my budget and leave me essentially “house-poor.” And this is where something interesting is happening. Even though on one hand I am very tempted to throw caution to the wind, there is another part of me that wants to be more sensible. That wants to take into consideration the impact of my actions on both my husband and myself. That wants to wait, and see where that might take me. That wants to make decisions from a place of control and good judgment. Sure, there is the gipsy in me that wants another adventure. She is quite enjoying looking at all these places and dreaming about decorating them and turning them into the home where she just might settle down. This is also one of my criteria, I want to find a place where I can see myself and my husband stay for more than a year or two. Because it struck me the other day just how much this town is growing on me, how much I enjoy discovering all its nooks and crannies, and how it is feeling more and more like home. Buying a condo may not happen this year which does make me a little anxious as I worry about missing out on a good deal in a market where interest rates are low and sellers motivated. But I know, one way or another, I am ready to put down my roots below the surface, to sink them deep into the ground and take comfort from their growing strength and delight at all the blossoms that will emerge eventually.
Where my mind comes to rest. View from my favorite cafe. Taken on May 22, 2008.
It’s been a while since my last post. Work is still very busy, I’ve had visitors, researched and bought a 40” flatscreen HDTV (wow!) and even though I started a few posts they remained drafts.
In any case, welcome back to gipsylife! Alex, the ultimate Gypsy Girl, already caught me over here with a draft version before I was even ready to go “live.” But I love that she of all people is the first one to comment upon my return to my old blog name.
Why did I come back here? I had been contemplating the resurrection of gipsylife for a while now, but it was when I read about Alex’s new “Gyspy Life” series that I realized just how much I had missed my gipsylife! When I changed my blog to my real name it was with the desire of returning to the essence of *me*. But the thing is this: the gipsy in me is very much an integral part of this essence. Now, when I speak of being a gipsy at heart I don’t so much mean in the romantic Bohemian way (if you ever look into their history there is actually little romantic about the deprived and persecuted lives of gypsies), but rather in the sense that I am somewhat of a restless soul, a happy-go-lucky traveler through the landscape of this earth and my life.
I have sometimes wondered where the restlessness comes from. Is it because I am an Aquarius, is my ruling planet Uranus causing this consistent urge to change things about myself, or my environment? I am really not sure, all I know is that I have always been this way. One way or another, I have always craved movement in my life. Be that traveling, or moving homes, or rearranging my furniture. Growing up I lived in the same apartment for ten years, and even though it was small (4 people in a 1.5 bedroom flat) I always found ways to change our furniture around. I used to have a made to scale map of the apartment and cut to scale templates for every piece of furniture so that I could make sure everything fit before I started moving things around. I am amazed, with hindsight, that my mother let me do this on a fairly regular basis!
But for all my restless tendencies I can also be very loyal once I have found something I love. Like my husband. He is a definite keeper. Or my friends. I don’t tend to change those around too much and many of them have been a long-standing part of my life. Or my car. While I have always appreciated nice vehicles I have never been too fussed about what I drive. As long as it enabled me to move about I was happy. And dreamed of one day perhaps driving a Jaguar, a car that I think is very classy and stylish. Alas, I have fallen in love with my little red bug (aka beetle convertible.) I do not want to drive anything else and hope to keep it for a long long time.
And so I wonder, will I ever find a home where I will live for more than a year or two? When I bought my flat in Bath a few years ago I was convinced that I would settle down there and stay for a long time. But then I met my husband and he swept me off to America after two years. Once over here we lived in three different places before my move to the Pacific Northwest ten months ago. And, ahem, yes, I have started looking at apartments again. But. Something feels different this time. In the past I have, for instance, often moved after a relationship break-up, changing my physical environment was always my perfect heart-break antidote. This time, however, I am looking for a longer term situation. And this may well be my current abode, there is much that I love about it. Except for. Two things. Another bedroom would be great because it would allow me to offer visitors privacy and comfort, and to give my cat more room for roaming around. But more than anything I am craving light. My apartment faces north and is very dark. Even on bright days do I need to turn on the lights. Strangely enough I have never considered light before when I looked at places. Maybe it’s a Pacific Northwest thing, many people here speak of the light, and their longing for it. Anyway, for now I am just looking. And dreaming. And being sensible, too. There is no rush and I am more considerate of my financial limitations than I have been in the past. The other day I created an intuitive little spreadsheet which outlines my budget for the rest of the year, and I have to say, this has been somewhat of an eye opener for me! I have a much better sense now as to how I manage my money, and how I can gain better control of my spendings.
So, as far as moving to a brighter and larger apartment is concerned, I am just putting it out there, into the universe, and remain open to possibilities and movement.
Well, this is turning into a very long post. That’s what happens when you’ve been quiet for so long! There are other things happening, too. I made my appointment for the dreaded annual physical. I wanted to go with a naturopath but my insurance doesn’t cover that so it’s a conventional doctor after all. Which upset me quite a bit as I am much more comfortable with the holistic approach, especially as some of my health related issues need to be addressed within the bigger picture of my lifestyle and psychological composition.
Remember my word for this year, alive? That is still very much on my mind and driving me ahead. When I think of alive I feel myself drawn to light, and wanting to feel lighter – both emotionally and physically. The new look of my blog is one step into this direction. Less cluttered. Brighter. It’s a start.
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