gipsy life

on mother's day

We never really celebrated Mother's Day when I grew up in Germany, my mother, who was a bit of a hippie, thought it to be too "commercial" even back then. So today, I want to give her this little slide show that I had put together for my final project in my photography class and which is dedicated to her, and the wonderful day we had in Rhode Island last October, when she finally got to dip her toes into the Atlantic on American soil, a lifelong dream of hers.

I am very grateful for a mother who is still relatively young (I am 45, she is 68) because now is my time to give back to someone who has given us so much from so little; a single mother of three on a low income who nonetheless provided us with a rich and stimulating environment to grow up in. And although I have not lived in Germany for nearly two decades our relationship is closer than ever and I love it that she can come and visit us for many weeks now that she is retired. I am also very grateful for a husband who adores my mother, so much so that he used all his airmiles to send her First Class to San Francisco a few years back, so that she could attend my cousin's wedding and to make her first ever long-haul flight a special experience. Neither Tom nor I have ever flown in First Class and we were so happy to be able to do this for her. I am determined to give my mother as many wonderful adventures as possible in her "old age", and both of us are so much looking forward to the most exciting one yet, our road trip from the east to the west coast this summer.

Alles Liebe zum Muttertag!

back on the east coast

Flight coming into Vancouver. Taken on May 5, 2008.

If you ever happen to stand in line with me waiting to board a flight delayed due to bad weather, then PLEASE do not drop a casual note about how there were tornadoes just east of our destination! I think the woman saw the look of sheer terror on my face because she immediately apologized and tried to make me feel better by saying that the pilots would not land in bad weather. Yeah, I know that. In my head. And from experience. Hell, when did this former flight attendant become so fearful about flying?? But I also know this, fatal accidents have happened because of weather and a pilot affliction called "get-there-itis." But it's not even that, I know what my affliction is: an imagination that is way too vivid!

Needless to say, we landed safely, albeit bumpily, at Chicago and  continued onto Hartford without problems, the delays aside. And now I am looking forward to a couple of downtime days, and sleeping in our own bed, the best feeling in the world after a long day's travel.

I have lots of photos to share with you which I will do over the next few days. Sweet dreams.

find your feet and dance

On Sunday we went to the opening of a local farmers market in Steveston, B.C., where the daughter of friends participated in an Irish Dancing performance.

Today I am in Seattle, chilling out 24 floors above ground on a grayish day. Reflecting on the last 72 hours. I almost didn't come here because United called me at 1 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell me that my flight at 6 a.m. was canceled, due to bad weather in Chicago, and I had been re-booked in the late afternoon. I was overtired, anxious because of the flight, and I just melted down. They finally got me on a Delta flight that also left at 6 a.m. via Cincinnati. But I was in panic mode, and when I saw that the weather in Cincinnati called for thunderstorms I was ready to call it quits and not go. Tom, who was in L.A. and also flying up to Seattle in the morning, managed to calm me down again, by which time it was 2 a.m. on the East Coast and I decided to stay up, have a shower, finish packing and drive to the airport early. My desire to go was stronger than my fear and I surprised myself because I felt relatively ok by the time I got to the airport. The flights were smooth and on time, and my sense of relief and joy when I collapsed into Tom's arms at Seattle airport was immense.

And what a weekend I would have missed. We drove straight up north, stopped briefly in Fairhaven where I showed Tom my possible future home, and continued onto Vancouver. We spent a lovely evening with my friend L. and her daughter. I love being at her place, it is so relaxing and cozy, and all the stress of the last week just fell off us. Later in the evening we made our way to our hotel in downtown, the Fairmont Waterfront, and what an amazing experience that turned into. We had a corner room on the 14th floor with floor to ceiling windows, also in the bathroom, framing the most stunning views I have ever had of my favorite place, looking west over Stanley Park and the Lions Gate Bridge, and north to the mountains. We were in complete awe. And slept great.

The following day we had breakfast while watching the seaplanes come and go in the harbor below, and then we got to hang out with our friends, visiting the farmers market in Steveston, strolling around English Bay and concluding a wonderful day with dinner in Gastown. It was, and still is, amazing to me that all these places will be just under an hour away from where I'll be living in about three months. It was also so nice to see Tom relax and enjoy every minute of this weekend; this is not something that comes easy to him in New England.

Monday morning we made our way back down to Washington and Fairhaven, where we spent another relaxing afternoon and viewed the rental apartment I am hoping to move into in August. It is a 1-bedroom condo with a large balcony and a partial view of Bellingham Bay and as soon as I walked into it, I knew that this was it. Fairhaven is a quirky little community in Bellingham, snuggled into the bay and exuding an almost European flair with its brick architecture, outside dining, lots of coffee shops and restaurants. There is a beautiful boardwalk along the sea, and a small marine park by the water within walking distance of the apartment. I will upload some photos in the next few days. Tom and I quickly took to this little town and seeing him so chilled out here was another confirmation to me that we are on the right track.

The title of this post? I wanted to use this photo! But it also carries a true meaning: that of finding a stronger footing again after having walked on unsteady grounds for so long. And even daring to take a little twirl.

sunny f.16

Do I look a little embarrassed? I am not one to be the center of attention and needless to say, that decorative, uhm, trophy did not do much to ease this sentiment. But I was very happy, too, and I am glad to have a nice photo with my great professors.

Today was the last session of my digital photography class at the college. Overall it's been a great experience and I feel that I learned quite a lot (although, to a degree, that has left me more confused, if that makes sense!) Tonight everyone showed their photos and played their slide-shows as part of our final assignment. We were asked to rate our favorites in three categories: color images, monochrome, and the slide show. I "won" one first, two second and one third place! And because I had the most trophies as a result, I was also given the "big winner" medallion. I certainly did not expect this, there was one other very good photographer, a young kid who had this edgy arty kind of style I really liked. He got two first prizes and very deservedly so. This was a lovely way to finish a great class; one of the professors had already told me two weeks ago that he was giving me an "A", my first since I left school twenty years ago!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my photography and where I might want to take it, especially after having photographed so many properties over the last 10 days. I am a bit of an impatient photographer, I will admit. That's probably what drew me to digital photography in the first place, the fact that you get instant results, both when you take the pictures and during post-processing. Although I've been taking photos ever since I was a teenager I was never interested in the perceived messiness of film development, or the complexity of learning about aperture, shutter speeds and how to find the correct light setting without the ability to view the results there and then.

Yet if I am to take away the most important advice of my professors it would this: to become a good photographer you need patience. And the technical skill. Meaning: know your f-stops, your shutter speeds, your ISO, etc, etc. After I photographed my first property two weeks ago I was very frustrated. I had been too lazy to use my tripod (all these adjustments I could make with it just bedazzled me) and it showed in the results. I felt very bad and almost did not charge the realtor for the photos. But he liked them anyway and I decided to keep my mouth shut and to start applying what I was learning. And boy, do I still have a lot to learn. I am still not 100% happy with the images I subsequently took of the other properties. One of the reasons? I kept forgetting my settings. I.e. in one room I had increased my exposure and the ISO and then forgot to change it back when I moved onto the next room where the light was very different. The worst mistake was when I took exterior photos on a bright day with my exposure set at +2.0 -- I had forgotten about that and only noticed it an hour later!

Digital photography appeals to me because the sprinter in me loves the instant gratification it provides. Yet to become really good at it, perhaps even professional, I will need to adopt some of the marathon runner's principles. Training. Perseverance. Technique. Like: use "sunny f.16" on, well, sunny days. With a shutter speed of 250 to keep the same exposure values.

I have many ideas as to where I would like to take my photography. And it's not all about selling my photos and services, I would for instance also love to run workshops for beginners, those who are still confused about how to best organize their images, and who want to learn the basics of digital photography and how to get the best out of Photoshop and other software applications. I am actually good at bringing concepts, both technical and organizational, across to an audience, and it is something I love doing.

I have to admit, I never expected to become so passionate about photography. I still compare myself to the many talented artists out there, both professional and amateur, and I feel small and insignificant. Like, who am I to be dreaming such dreams, compared to them? Oh, I know, the good old envy bug is nothing but counter productive. But this is where I love this online community, yes, there are people who I might feel a little jealous of, but at the same time they are all happy to share their work and processes. I have probably learned more from looking at their stuff and reading about their experiences than anywhere else. And whenever I feel like I am no good at all, the universe sends me a little upbeat reminder to keep believing in myself, like a request to use one of my photos, or the sale of two photos in my show at the salon (yay!), or the very encouraging feedback from professional photographers, such as my professors, or my neighbor.

My mind is buzzing, can you tell? So much has been happening since we made The Decision, and it's like suddenly my world is shifting into gear and moving forward again. Tom and I have had to make some difficult choices (about the sweeties and my job) but overall, our barometer is set to sunny f.16!

right now

... I am very tired (it is past 12:30 am!)
... I look over to the window sill where Lilly used to sleep and remember
... I wonder what they are doing?
... I feel (very) grateful for an up-beat email update from their new family
... I miss my husband who is in LA for a few days
... I look forward to being in his arms again Saturday morning in Seattle
... I am very excited to be spending the weekend in Vancouver (yay!)
... I completed the upload of another real estate photo shoot
... I remember that I have to prepare the house for a viewing in the morning
... I want to thank you for your wonderful words and thoughts :)
... I can't believe that I'll be in Europe in just under four weeks
... I am rambling, because I am very very tired
... I am saying GOOD NIGHT   

loss

The sense of loss is crushing. When we got back to our home the devastation hit us like a tsunami. I had been so worried about them that I had pushed the impact on us to the very back of my mind. How can such tiny creatures leave behind such a big empty space?

This morning we drove up to New Hampshire to meet their new family. They have a very different set-up to ours, with children and other pets, but as soon as we met them we knew that they were good people who clearly love and look after their animals. I got a genuine sense of compassion and empathy from the mother that made me feel better about Coco and her little problem, as well as her shyness. They are a young family who will live on their land for a long time, which was another decisive factor for us as it will provide the cats with stability, as well as a safe space for roaming around. Nonetheless, leaving the sweeties there is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I could not help but feel that I had indeed "dumped" them. I could not help but worry about them feeling scared and abandoned.

And then we came back to our empty house. The void left by them is huge. We started cleaning the house, our final step in getting it ready for viewings, and at one point Tom had just finished vacuuming and turned to me, his voice choking: "I feel like I have just erased them with the vacuum cleaner, all their hairs are gone, there is nothing left of them." That was the final straw and I just broke down. What had we done? How could we have given away our little companions who had done so much to ease my loneliness and homesickness, and who had occupied a large corner of our hearts, and who always rolled over on their backs and stretched their tummies when they were happy? How could I sleep at night without the weight of Coco's little body on me? I was inconsolable and was very close to asking Tom to get them back. I thought, screw it, I will just take them with me to Washington. So what if that will turn them back into indoor cats again, so what if they would be left alone for most of the day because I won't be able to be around as much as I was here? At least they would stay with me.

I also questioned this whole DECISION of ours. Why couldn't I have stuck it out a few more years? Then Tom and I would have moved away together and the cats would have been able to come with us. But in the end there is no turning back. Our mind is made up. And it still feels like the right thing to do even though leaving the cats behind is causing us so much pain. "Worthwhile things almost always require great sacrifices," Tom said once I had calmed down a bit. And then he called the family in New Hampshire to ask how the sweeties were doing. Lilly had her first encounter with one of the dogs and tolerated him enough to sleep on the same sofa at opposite ends. The mother spent some time in the bedroom where her home office is and where Coco was hiding under the bed. Hearing that helped relax me more as Coco likes to keep company and I so hope that she will bond with the mother the way she did with me.

But the house is empty and our sense of loss is huge. I know these are "only" cats we are talking about and there are losses much worse than this, where loved ones suffer and die. Yet every loss carries its own quota of pain, doesn't it?

On Saturday we are flying to Vancouver and Seattle and despite my grief it gives me some comfort to know that the cats are not going to be lonely in our house but are with a family who will never leave them alone like we did because of our travels. 

Good-bye my sweeties. We miss you very much. Please be safe. Please roll over and show your tummies again very soon.

step by step

The weather continues to be amazing, although this is supposed to change as of tomorrow. We are making the most of it and getting the house ready for viewings. New mulch in the garden, repainting the porch, bringing out my little table and chairs, buying hanging baskets and flowers for the front steps. If it doesn't sell it won't be for the lack of curb appeal!

When my friend Daggi came to visit a few weeks ago she asked me: "You have a great life here. A wonderful husband, a beautiful home, a good job, two sweet cats, and a convertible! Why the Pacific Northwest? What do expect to be better there? Do you think living there will solve all your problems and you will be happy at last?"

I totally understand these questions. Others have asked them. I have asked them. But it was only when I formulated my response to Daggi that the answers became clear to me. Thinking that my life will suddenly be perfect and happy because I will be living in one of my favorite places on this planet, is a bit like expecting that everything will miraculously fall into place for an overweight person who has managed to shed her excess pounds. But this is not what Vancouver, and by association the Pacific Northwest, means to me.

The Pacific Northwest is where I am closest to myself. It's where I feel most grounded and whole inside. Why is this so important you may ask? Well, to me it is, because if I am not whole inside I have nothing to give to the outside. It's like I focus all my energy inwards, in an attempt to fill the void that I feel when I am not with myself. Here in New England I am not with myself. I am not whole. My karma is off. And I have very little to give as a result. This is not how I want to live my life. My husband deserves better than that. As do my friends, and family.

But how can where I live have such an influence on the state of my being? I don't know the answer to this question. All I know is how I feel, and have felt, in certain places.  I have always reacted very strongly to my physical surroundings and geographical locations. And there are two places, both situated in the west of heir respective countries, where I immediately felt centered and at home: Bath in England, and Vancouver. New England, sadly, has had the exact opposite effect on me. Perhaps things would have turned out differently, had my husband felt more grounded here. But he doesn't either, in fact, he never wanted to live in Massachusetts again, and the only reason he is back here is his son. And this has been a decisive factor in our decision: Tom 's heart is with his son, but not his home state. We would not do what we are doing otherwise.

I know that moving to the Pacific Northwest will not mysteriously solve my weight and anxiety issues, nor make me happy forever after, nor turn this gipsy soul of mine into a content homebody, nor bring me sudden fame and wealth. But it will bring me back to myself. It will put me back into the driving seat of my life.

Sometimes knowing, or fearing, is a curse. These two are blissfully unaware that tonight is possibly their last night in our house. I keep looking at them, petting them, cuddling them, thinking "the last time this and that ... " I mean it when I say I hope they will forget us. Cats do, don't they? I hope that the home we are taking them to tomorrow is as good as it promises to be. I hope their little souls will get over the confusion of their re-adjustment quickly, and that they will love their huge new garden and adjacent barn with lots of mice, and that they will get on with the other pets in their new home, and that their new owners will love them as much as we did.

comments

Pssst. Coco, taken on April 22, 2008.

I have a virtual stalker. There is a person whose ISP is based in or near Kernesville in North Carolina and who's been leaving four deliberately hurtful comments since January. This may not sound like a lot, but overall I've only ever received five negative comments and because my readership is modest this weighs in more heavily. I actually know most of my commentators, either personally or through their own blogs, and I admit to feeling a little unsettled over this persistent unkind anonymous lurker. It feels personal.

My husband and I have made a decision that affects the environment of our relationship and the wellbeing of our cats. It is a time where we feel excited and positive, but also fragile and vulnerable. A time where I struggle with worry over the sweeties, because I do feel like I am abandoning them, but the fact is that they cannot stay with Tom because of his travels, and I cannot take them with me because I can only afford a small apartment that offers no outsite access for them. They are outdoor cats and how cruel would it be to lock them into a confined space and leave them alone all day because I will no longer have the luxury of a part-time job?

Finding a good home for them is about more than just placing them into a house with a garden, or expecting a shelter to do it for us. One of our cats came to us with a littler problem and despite our efforts we have not been able to revert it. The problem is contained and only takes a few seconds to deal with every day, less in the summers when they are outside all day. Yet I understand that this is not something for everyone, especially as there are plenty of cats out there who do not have this kind of issue. We have accepted it because we simply fell in love with them. And that's why I worry so much because it will take someone very special to take care of them. A true cat lover who can look past this issue and appreciate their wonderful little personalities and love them as they are.

For the last few days the sweeties have been hanging out lots with me, they are more affectionate than usual, it's like they are sensing something's up. Last night I was feeling particularly upset and that's when I received the comment accusing me of "dumping" them, from the same person who has been lurking and judging for months now. I don't know who you are but please: either have a open and honest dialogue with me, or stop coming here so cowardly in your desire to pass your unkindness onto someone you don't even know.

today i should have ...

Spring has sprung in our garden. Yay!

... done so many things. Cleaned the house. Taken photos of the rooms in our house. Answered emails. Read blogs. Left comments. Called people. Organized this and that. Updated Etsy. Created property webpage for a client. Started preparing for my group trip. Made a to-do-list. Crossed things off the to-do-list. Gone to bed early instead of writing this post!

Instead. I procrastinated. Cooked a soup. Ate a salad. Had a glass of red wine. Corrected some mistakes on my website. Lost a lot of files. Found an apartment in Fairhaven (click on Scenic Views) that I can rent as of August and faxed an application form to the managing agent. Finally took three checks to my bank. Did a bit of laundry. Went to the shop to buy some cleaning supplies. Received a call from a nice woman who is interested in our cats. Cried some more tears, that's becoming a daily occurrence, I am so worried about finding a good home for the little sweeties. I cannot get my head, let alone my heart, around the fact that they may be gone in a few days.

Tom is away again for a few days and I am feeling overwhelmed by all that is to do. As does he, I know he curses all the trips he has to do right now, the timing is really crap. We put our house on the market this week and it isn't show ready yet. But I'll be working on that over the next couple of days.  I have two more property  photo shoots this week which is great as it means extra money and experience. Last weekend Tom even took me up in the plane so that I could do aerial photos for a 1.2 million property and the owners want me to do all the interiors and exteriors, it's a big job. I also photographed a condo in Northampton and had an interesting chat with the visiting professor who lives in it and who wants to leave New England as soon as possible, she had nothing good at all to say about this place and it made me grateful that I am not quite as bitter as that. I will leave here with some fond memories and certainly no regrets, I know that coming here was the right thing to do at the time.

There was a point this afternoon when I felt the familiar knot of anxiety tightening in my stomach. I did not know where to start. What to do next. What I had to do - clean the house - I did not want to do. The knot became tighter. Until I finally decided that I needed to chill out for a moment and that's when I got my camera and took the above photos. Spring has arrived in New England. And I finally managed to relax and think about all that is good: my wonderful husband who called me from Atlanta and immediately made me feel better, the sweeties who spent time with me on the porch this afternoon, the positive and encouraging feedback from so many colleagues at the college when they heard about our plans, the fact that I already found a nice looking apartment on the west coast, a possible new home for the cats, and last but not least: gorgeous weather all week! And tomorrow, I will start cleaning the house. Yup.

perfect day

Do you remember this song?  Today it was true. For the last week we have been having the most amazing summer-like weather, with temperatures soaring into the 70s. Guess which new convertible driver has been very happy about this! I cannot tell you just how differently I feel since I got my quirky little cabriolet. Tonight, as I drove through the balmy evening air with the top still down, and the moon smiling down on me, while listening to Van Morrison, I felt happy and free like I haven't done in a long time. It was a perfect day.

Can you fall in love with a car? Yes, you can!

View of Route 47 and the Connecticut River from the Summit House. Despite the summer temperatures most trees are still pretty bare, but can you see the red ones that almost make it look like autumn? These are the new buds and whenever I see those I know that spring in New England, with all its green and colorful abundance, really is just around the corner.

Tom had a routine check flight today and when I picked him up at Northampton Airport I noticed this balloon way up in the air. We later drove past it as it landed, see the first photo.

The Connecticut River was very high. All these photos were taken with my new telephoto lens, I love it.

The Summit House was open so I took a drive up to enjoy the views and my favorite benches.

Light and Shadow.